Forget speed dating...

SG has discovered a brand new category of dating, it blows speed dating out of the water!!!

announcing, male sit on your butt dating!!!

here is how it goes:

Random cute boy approaches hot girl at work (that would be me of course!)

"hey SG!" "Good to see you!"

(really? Are we friends? SG thinks in her head and smiles her Miss America "I love world peace and small bunnies" smile)

"Yeah, GREAT to see you too! (my lips are hurting from this painted grin!)

"So are you going to be in the city again for shabbos?" he asks-- random boy refers to the fact that he saw hot girl in a pizza place in the city sat night- which she stopped at to grab a bite after some lame singles event. Though she wasn't actually in the city for shabbos, and random boy and hot girl never said Hi or smiled or even acknowledged that they saw each other (very New York) !!!

SG replies, "No, I will be home for shabbos, you?" - "I will be at MY place, in THE CITY!" random boy boasts.

"so, hey, if you are ever in the city, come for a meal!" he says- as if offering me the winning lotto ticket....

Yeah, unfortunately, I have heard that one before... Just 3 weeks ago, I went to a singles event, spent almost an hour smiling and chit chatting with some guy, at the end, no, he doesn't ask for my number, instead says "if you are ever in the city, I should have you for a meal"- WTF!!!!- honestly, is that the best you can do?

SG has done some analysis of the line as it has been used on 2 individual occasions by 2 very unrelated men who both live in"the city". Here's what I think. In the city man's simple simple mind: The city is like the harem, why would any straight man want to leave? But sometimes you find a stray hottie outside the harem -hey why not invite them to join? That way, you get to stay in the harem and get to enjoy the presence of said hottie, and if it doesn't work out, there's always the harem. From now on it shall be renamed sit on your butt dating.

OK back to the story. In my head I replied, "uhm, no, it would be an honor to have me join your shabbos meal, and I shall decided when to grace you with the honor"

but out of my mouth came the let me call your bluff line: "really, do I have your email? How should I get in touch"

clearly he was taken aback, ha! Take that random cute boy!

-"oh, just look me up"- he replied

and I will do just , if I am ever looking for someone to wash my car...

but I have a ticket in my hand...

Normally, I go about my single life, like I wait at the DMV ( see prior posting " I met my bashert at the DMV). it is tortuous and at times depressing to be waiting and waiting, but I know they WILL call my number one of these days. Sometimes, though, I have a day like today, I followed my routine evening of post gym- email checking, visiting www.frumster.com to check out the senior citizens who had three previous wives, the only ones that seem to be smitten by my profile. I move along to www.sawyouatsinai.com to learn that no one must have seen me at Sinai maybe they weren't looking up- I am pretty tall...) and those "studs" that didn't decline a match with me yet didnt accept either and are just sitting and waiting for me to age so that I have to change my photo. then I moved on to www.endthemadness.org to put some perspective on my wallowing in self pity. Instead, I got so angry because someone posted/boasted about having 28 dates this summer ( have I had that many in this century?) Well might as well kick myself when I'm down, so I moved along to www.onlysimchas.com to be a yenta, check out dresses and cry a little ( and of course" gain joy from the simchas of others" ) and then I stumbled upon this picture above. Forget the DMV, these people aren't even old enough to drive. Look at them smile the "I just got my braces off" smiles, bet they'll be buying school supplies soon! ( no offense to the owl in michigan, shout out, you "lolita") why do some people breeze through effortlessly ? like those women in the shampoo comercials walking confidently out of the salon without a care in the world, while I am pushing and pushing a revolving door the wrong way to step out into a rain soaked day. can you sense lyrics to a song coming from this?
why is it not a nisayon ( test) for some, while others seem to be stuck in The Oddysey?
specifically me!!
I have the ticket with a number in my hand, I swear!
I drove to the DMV, got all the right forms filled out, so why am I still waiting?
I sometimes fear that I will look back down at my ticket and the number will be erased, replaced with an infinity sign. It does feel like it has been that long.

can you be carded at your own wedding?

don't cry for me Argentina....

SG

maybe you dont give a hoot...

Some silly people criticize my blog. " Where's the personal stuff ?" they ask.
well, in response. I don't go on a bad date every day ( just twice this week) , I don't have crazy patients every day and it is not that often that aliens land in my garage ( just once last week, but they were friendly and did my laundry)

My dear readers, what I post is me, just my take on things, trivial or consequential.

Sometimes you readers need a break from the tragedies of the world, so...

now for the important question.

should I buy this bag? its from target, around 30 bucks.

advice welcome, post away!

SG

these boots were made for...

a kick me sign!!!

these are perhaps the ugliest shoes I have EVER seen in my life. They are so ugly that they may just become popular. Watch out, resist the urge to buy them, and please please don't look directly at them for too long, you may go blind.

A Mormon kiddush Hashem

Apparently, SG (me) makes quite the impressions wherever she goes..... sometimes even a good one!

Last year I went to Utah for a hiking trip with a good friend. Along the way I learned that I am in fact very Jewish, definitely not a Mormon and did I mention very Jewish?

I was in a store in a town called zion ( I shold have known!) and the counter person was crying, she had a splinter and couldn't get it out. DR SG to the rescue, surely this was my expertise ( I had seen it on ER once) I quickly took out the splinter. Her eyes lit up and I knew what was coming next "A healer is in our midst" "lord our God has saved me". She turned to me and said, "you are a good mormon and will be rewarded for your kind deed." She gave me a pair of earings as payment. I felt guilty, I am not a mormon.... here was a chance for a kidush Hashem, "I am not a mormorn, but I believe in God too, I am Jewish" . "a hebrew?" she asked? "Like out of the bible"...
well I explained a little, and how we no longer wander in the dessert, but in Utah on vacations.
she gave me a book of Mormon and smiled, "you are a good people".

Looks like we Jews made an impact in good old Utah. Seems that the church of later day saints ( mormon) has a famous phrase "CTR-choose the right" ( about choosing a path in life etc...)
well to make things hip, they have printed hoodies and baseball hats with the phrase CTR, and of all letters, they chose, biblical Hebrew script to spell the English acronym C.T.R.!!!! ok, the letters are a little meshuganeh, but hey...

I guess they have a double message to get across
Choose the right, choose Hashem!!! hah!

The world is not falling apart because of me

Last night I almost gave up.
I usually brim with passion, compassion and enthusiasm for my craft. Today a friend helped to point out that this passion is what pushed me through on those days that felt like brick walls.
Last night the world was not in my hands, and pushing, trodding, enthusiasm were useless.
I was working overnight on call in a phone triage room. Basically, parents call their pediatrician's answering service throughout the night and the service faxes the message and a call back number to me. I then call back the parents and give the proper advice for care.
Last night a message comes in
"joe shmoe" 1 week old male, vomiting severely for one day, won't take feeds at all, looks bad"
call 718 555 5555.
Red flags, sirens go off in my head. Thsi is not good!!!!! This can be an indication of a very severe illness, or at the very lease severe dehydration. I quickly call the number. "I'm sorry, the number you have reached has been disconnected". I tried 4 times, same message . I called the answering service, they had no other way to reach this family. I looked at the hospital record, they had one number down, it was the same one! I tried directory assistance, no listings!!!
I tried to breathe and prayed to Hashem that they would call back or have the sense to come to the hospital. I called the ER every hour, "did they show up?" but there was no record of this patient. There was nothing left to do, no where to turn. God help this baby!
I was worried, but was so bombarded with calls that I didn't worry about him until the dreaded fax came in. four hours later:
"Joe shmoe, 1 week old male, won't stop crying, won't stop vomiting, keeps trying feeds, now has many large very bloody mucousy stools, belly is rock hard, very distened, baby looks strange"

I never cursed quite like that moment, but since I was alone....

This was horrible, this baby sounded critically ill, I had seen this before in the NICU, I had seen it snuff out the life of too many precious newborns. Four precious hours had gone by, this could have been prevented, and this child was feeding, which is the worse thing you can do in this case.
I rush to the phone and dialed the new number. It rang, a calm woman ( she sounded 16) answered "hey", there was hip hop on in the background, and a baby weakly whimpering over and over, not a cry of a healthy child. She told me her baby looked "bad'. I nearly lost it with her, but thought about myself when I was 16. It turned out "baby daddy" stopped paying his cell phone bill. Mommy had a cell, but it was new and she was learning how to use it, she told me. Four hours ago when the doctor "didnt call back"( she didnt know dad's phone was dead) mommy assumed it was ok and all babies get like this. "I just thought he was very hungry becuase he has a growing belly to feed" it wasn't until the blood that she got scared that he was actually sick.
I told her to get in her car and come to the ER at once ( she assured me she had a car available, a car seat, and could legally drive)
ten minutes later I call back.
Are you on the way?
"not yet, I needed to get baby all dressed up for going outside"
what???
its 90 degrees at night!!!!

I tell her she has to go now, she says she is scared to come, she doesn't want her baby to get shots.
I tell her to call 911
she says "I'm not sure"
I tell her to stay put and that EMS will be coming for her.

I called 911 from my cell phone. ( hospital phones don't dial out to 911 apparently!)

They took what seemed to be forever to process the call, they were confused that I wasn't at the site. I assured them it was an emergency and that I was this patient's doctor.

maybe I too sounded 16, being that I was a little nervous.

One hour later the patient finally got to our ER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Story to be continued when I get back to the hospital on tuesday....

It is daily that I learn, "man plans and God laughs." I like to think that the world is never completely in our hands, but Hashem gave us hands to use, didn't he?

on that note

a song that fits how I feel tonight.
SG live 8/7/06 http://www.hddweb.com/56503/WS_10198.WMA

dear pretty woman walking down the street...

Dear Ms. Julia Roberts,

I know things have gone a little downhill since the 80's, as you no longer get to play hookers in big screen movies and your stint on Broadway this year was a bissel of a flop, but hey I tried out for RENT in 2000 ( really) and I got a "don't quit your day job", so you must have some redeeming qualities! Then why is it that you would stoop so low as to sneak into my basement, into the laundry room and swipe one of my favorite skirts! You then had the chutzpah to wear it to the supermarket!!! mah pitom!! I mean, honestly do you think we are even the same size ? I actually EAT the food in my cart, maybe you use your for decoration/ fertilizer? ( PS, anytime you need to raid my fridge, feel free, I feel the need to feed you) Anyway, back to MY skirt!!!! It was my favorite (ok, one of about 20 favorites ....I know, I can't help myself, anyone know a 12 step program for skirt addictions?) It had little elephants on it, it was a wrap skirt so it fit me even after a smorgasbord or two, and I bought it at a street fair in MA!
so here is my plea, Julia, return the skirt and no one gets hurt, or Richard Gere and that box of cereal in your cart is mine!
P.S. good taste in clothes!!!! but, wanna borrow some sleeves?

Once again, Yids (ok, or just SG) have influenced the world of fashion and it will never be the same.Beware of the snoods....

SG

from the runways of Italy to the highways of Teaneck

Dolce and Gabanna do "shabbos"!

Available at www.saks.com on sale for only 500 dollars, you too can own the designer Dolce and Gabanna "shabbos belt" ( ok, they call it a "key belt")

Jews are taking over the world, one runway at a time.

SG

I'd like to thank my agent, the academy and my personal trainer

The (how often I feel like it) blog readership award goes out to the following individuals of excellence who find a place in their heart for my words and space on their desktop for my proven method of safe for work procrastination.
They are all wise and know that, hey, this won't hurt a bit!

1. Someone mysterious in Indiana!! I don't know anyone there, but someone is schepping in my nachas at least daily!! interestingly the person from Astoria stopped looking. Hmmm... did you move to Indiana? Where is Indiana? Who are you, my mysterious fan???

2. The owl in Michigan, which is not Mini-soda, who deserves a shout out for her Bday! Happy 21st ( ish..)!! you long Island Lolita!

3. My near- Harlem working, zionist extraordinaire, who is a little toasty. You know who you are! shout out to the mishpochah! They love Shani better, btw...

4. My Miami contingent!
shout out to www.orieyenta.blogspot.com who has graciously added me to her blogroll. You are a rockin mama, with the cutest little orieyenta!!

5. A moody lefty rock star who has been MIA since she got famous, won the lottery and quit her job to go back to school to be a slave like me.

6. Myself, yes, I am one of the rare few who can say "I crack myself up"

I learned by watching you...

Parent of the year award goes to Melanie Grifith:


Here she is "parenting" AKA lighting up a cancer stick for her 16 year old daughter!!!!! Can you believe this! I am beyond outraged!
I feel like I should call child protective services and Mendys, because the daughter looks like she could use a good knish and some cholent, or inpatient eating disorder rehab.

Melanie makes Latoya, the 15 year old mother of three, I saw in the ER after she dropped her little baby down the stairs, look good!!!

What are doing to our poor children??
Kaved et banecha u benotecha!

SG